AWFULTRUTHS

#36

2005-08-22T01:31:16Z

I want desperately to start a blog and continue it successfully and be dedicated and loyal.

So, what's my problem?

#35

2005-07-22T02:35:19Z

J's boyfriend being here always makes me cranky. Do they really need to FONDLE each other right in front of me?

Ugh.

In other news I got a new job. A 9-5 desk job. I couldn't be happier. Quitting my sucky retail job was amazing.

I signed up for classes, five of them. I'll be going to school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I should be able to work too, which is good because it's essential to my life that I can pay rent.

Torrid if my new favorite store ever.

Choppy writing is the bane of my existents.

Cat Information

2005-07-12T03:27:51Z

Animal Refuge League
449 Stroudwater Street
Westbrook, ME 04092
Phone; (207) 854-9771
Spay/neuter program for pets of qualified low income people.

NEW HAMPSHIRE
Animal Allies
Manchester, NH
Phone: (603) 668-9299
Helps people who have a large number of cats or people who need
help and do not qualify for other programs.

New Hampshire Dept of Agriculture
APC Program
State House Annex
33 Capitol Street
Concord, NH 03301
Phone: (603) 271-3697
Discounts for qualified low income families. Call or write for information
about APC.

New Hampshire Spaying & Altering Service
8 Hutchins Street
Concord, NH 03301
Phone: (603) 224-1361 before 2 pm

Spay Program for Mother Cats
8 Fox Hill Road
Belmont, NH 03220
Phone: (603) 524-6432
You and your cat must meet various criteria to qualify for this program.
Call for information

#34

2005-07-07T03:35:34Z

I had this whole long rant planned, but, basically, my beef is that I hate when J and her boyfriend take really long showers together when I have to pee.

#33

2005-07-05T03:39:11Z

As much as I love how pretty this place is it might be time for me to give it a little face lift. If I have the energy.

I've been masturbating alot. I was almost late for work today because of it. I had to clean myself up in the bathroom there. Egh.

There's this guy, JC, who I work with who I'm 90% sure likes me more than a friendly coworker should.

I don't know how I feel about it. While it is nice to get some minor flirtation from a guy, it's unfortunate I'm not attracted or interested or amused by it at all.

Okay, so maybe I do know how I feel about it.

Fireworks all over the place tonight. The sky is red white and blue and raining down.

J's boyfriend is here which means I have to be careful about leaving my door open while sleeping and be concious of how i'm sitting and do my best not to hear them having sex.

Sigh.

#32

2005-07-04T02:25:22Z

Today we got a cat. His name was Baby (we changed it to Warrick) and he belonged to a girl from work who was moving and couldn't take him with her. He seems to be very friendly and has cuddled up next to me to watch me type and get ready for bed. He's curious but hasn't gotten into any trouble. We saw him use the litter box we brought up for him too. I can already feel an attachment growing. He's all black with sprakly yellow eyes.

I guess if I can't have a boy love me I can just have a million cats.

#31

2005-07-01T02:26:55Z

Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
Is who I am, is what I do
No one?s gonna lay it down for you
Try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it?s not coming easily)
Whoah oh?

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don?t you know, don?t you know, don?t you know?
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There?s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

Read some Byron, Shelly and Keats
Recited it over a Hip-Hop beat
I?m having trouble saying what I mean
With dead poets and drum machines
I know I had some studio time booked
But I couldn?t find a killer hook
Now you?ve gone & raised the bar right up
Nothing I write is ever good enough

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There?s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you?

I?m getting off my stage
The curtains pull away
No hyperbole to hide behind
My naked soul exposes
Whoah.. oh.. oh.. oh.. Whoah.. oh..

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

That's all I got to say,
Can't think of a better way,
And that's all I've got to say,
I love you, is that okay?

This kind of happy love - that's what I want. The kind of happy love that you know just tickles your inside so you never want to stop smiling.

#30

2005-07-01T02:22:37Z

I'm so tired and I did nothing all day.

I watched America's Next Top Model for 10 hours. 10 hours. And I didn't even watch part of it at the gym like I should have.

I need to clean my room and I need to research stuff for school and I need to write a check for rent.

And I need to chin up.

CF left a comment in my other, open, journal )that I rarely write in) that she misses me. I could reply with something like 'whatever', 'prove it', or a simple 'i don't believe you. please leave me alone.'

I think I'll say nothing instead.

She's moving in with T - or maybe she already has - and I refuse to attend any 'welcome to our new apartment' parties they might have. If CF can't get her ass down here to visit when I've moved 2 months ago, why should I make the effort to visit her? I'm not willing to participate in a one sided friendship.

I'm sad that I'll probably lose T to CF now that they're living together and will form that ally that only roommates have. The kind that means you're out for blood when one of you gets hurt.

Going to see Sonia tomorrow. Hoping she won't tell me I'm doomed. Relieved to finally be getting this on a roll.

I don't want to go to school next semester. I know it and I feel it with every fiber of my being, but it's what I have to do because not going to school.... doesn't appear to be an option. I want to take a semester off and save money. I want to travel. I want to go across the sea and meet exotic open people and find out who I really am. I want to not be stuck in a stuffy apartment trying to figure out which school is best for me and what I want to be when I grow up.

Couldn't I decide that while drinking in a pub in ireland, or sipping a cappuccino in Italy? Why here? Why now?

#29

2005-06-29T02:56:52Z

You could smell the ocean today at work. It made me homesick and sad.

I dropped a jar of onion blossom horseradish dip on the tip of my left index finger. I may have popped a blood vessel as it still feels sore and painful and there's a strange red mark from the top of my finger to the base of the first joint.

I assume it's blood.

I wish I had someone to call.

Even more, I wish my finger didn't hurt so I could masturbate.

But you didn't need to know that.

#28

2005-06-28T14:45:46Z

Just returned from the psychic. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to really express about the whole situation, but for the sake of not fucking it up, I'm going to be brief:

She's told me she sees high walls around me and a lot of anger. She's told me that these walls are keeping other away and keeping CT in and they are what is holding me back.

She says she's going to help me, starting with research about surrounding mine and CTS birthdays and the time that we met versus the time he dropped a bomb on me and sent me into a downward spiral.

I hope this works. I'm putting all my faith into her because I need this and it feels like she can help. You get this feeling, just being in her home, that she's got the ability to find an answer to all of this heartache.

She also said that she can feel that there should be someone new entering my life. I want to believe, but I've been so broken that it's hard to think I could have someone waiting for me to let down the walls and let them in.

#27

2005-06-26T02:43:26Z

I freaked out.

J and I went to a psychic this evening as her birthday present.

While her reading brought news of eventual marriage and offpsring mine was focused much more on the negativity in my life.

Good news is I will live a long time.

She told me I needed to be healed of this negetivity and the tears and the sorrow in my life that have let me allow myself to stay so unhappy for so long.

IN other words, I really need to let go of CT.

Which I knew, but now that it's right there in front of me in cards and being told to me from a total stranger... somehow that's more convincing.

She told me that I needed - or should - return to begin some spiritual healing or cleansing. For the small fee of ninety dollars.

Okay. So it's a lot of money, money I would have spent on cigarettes and food - but fuck that. I'd rather be happy from being spiritually sound than from being on a nicotine and cheeseburger high.

So, I'm going to do it. I put down 20 dollars and I'm giving 70 more on Tuesday when I go in for my appointment with Sonya.

She told me that I worry and stress and experience most of my saddness in the evening. That I go to bed with a heavy heart and wake up with one.

She told me I need to let CT go, that I spend all my time trapped by the negetivity and it's keeping me from this soul mate she apparently sees in her cards.

I sound like I don't believe her but I do. I do.

She said a group of friends would invite me to go on a trip sometime in July and that I should go - it would be good for me to get away.

She also said that I will meet someone - someone who is older than me - and we will have a relationship.

She says that I am meant to be loved and I am meant to be happy but the negativity isn't allowing me to let that love and happiness come near me.

Basically everything was spot on.

She said my family had experienced a loss about 9 years ago (mom was sick) and that I was distanced from a family memeber (cody) and a female friend I had lost touch with (CF).

It was bizarre. And now I have two days to sit and stew over it before I go back and start trying to fix whatever it is inside me that is so broken and sad that it forces me to keep myself unhappy.

She said money comes easily to me but I spend it and I should hold on to it.

Of course, I'm spending it on her and I don't see her complaining.

I'll give it a shot. I'll try and let it help me. I want it to. I want to be better. I want to be happy and have someone to love and move forward.

She mentioned I was unhappy in my work. Well that's for damn sure.

I need some tequila.

#26

2005-06-24T04:57:04Z

I wonder if it's strange that two things that always make me cry are fireworks and parades.

I went home for La Kermesse tonight, a celebration of French heritage that includes fireworks, a parade, and severely overpriced carnival type fairgrounds.

I wrote about how I was going to be going home for the fireworks a few entrys ago, when I mentioned that JR and E had made me feel like an idiot for traveling 45 minutes for an event I've been attending since childhood.

E wasn't there because she was somewhere drinking what I'm sure was far too much tequila, but JR was there and so was everyone else who you would expect to find this kind of occasion totally lame but went because we always have.

Everyone was there.

I guess that means I'm not the only idiot.

My mother bought me margarita mix (tequila included) and a four dollar bottle of wine. Bless her heart after tonight I really needed to come home and christen the new blender with some ChiChi's margarita blend.

I really don't like sleeping in this apartment alone. J is home for the night visiting her boyfriend (and attending the fireworks) and celebrating her 19th birthday with her family.

My 19th birthday, like most before that, sucked on a very large level. But, I won't go into that now.

I've masturbated twice in the last day. I wish I had the guts to buy a vibrator. It would make things so much easier. Now that I have my own checking account I could. So expensive. Unfortunately it appears I'll need to pay for pleasure rather than recieve it for my charms.

I swear I'm the last virigin on the face of the earth.

Oh, I was 241 pounds this morning. Improvement. And I didn't even eat like shit today, which is good. Now I just need to continue going to the gym and attempting to eat like a normal person rather than a cambodian child whos just been adopted and lead to MacDonalds.

91 pounds to go.

The tequila, cheap as it is, is beginning to get to me. Good thing because I haven't slept decently in days (nights?). It's like I'm on the edge, waiting for something to happen. As if I expect something miraculous to be occuring at 2 in the morning.

I'm so glad I write in this thing again. It really does help. Like dumping the shit of my mind onto a page so I can read back and think about it later instead of trying to keep it all in my head.

I'm still trying to get over the loss of CT and CF. I know I'm probably better off, but it's still hard. T and G said I should call - or write a letter. But that just seems to predictable. I don't know why I feel the need to make this over dramatic exit from their lives. Why can't I just leave gracefully?

(I need to have the last word for just one in my life.)

Saw a lot of people form my highschool days (basically last year) tonight. This girl I thought I had a serious crush on hugged me and made some comment I can't really recall and the followed it up with "It's because I'm in love with you." and it broke my heart and made me want to kiss her just like last year when we were sipping cosmos and smoke parliements in a cigar bar in Quebec.

She's really the only live girl I've ever felt attracted to. She's beautiful and spunky with these huge gorgeous eyes and the cutest laugh.

I've always wondered, do I like girls like I like boys or do I just enjoy (envy.) their beauty? Maybe both. I'll probably never know.

The tequila is making my feet and face warm. Almost 1 AM and I feel wide awake, my head spinning with the days events.

I never wrote about E having sex on my living room carpet with a boy who'd been bailed out of jail only two days before. I've been trying to process how I feel about the whole thing. About how every room in this house has experienced sex but mine. About how I was jealous and completely enraged at the same time. How it was funny and horrifying.

Maybe I'm drunk - but tonight I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to cry and how much I can't.

#25

2005-06-22T19:23:49Z

245 lbs.

I guess that's better than the 250 it was last time.

If I could have anything in the world it would be to weigh 150 pounds.

Only 95 pounds to go.

I need to lose an Olsen twin.

I wish I had the balls to be anorexic. Or bulimic. Or one of those girls who works out like 4 times a day.

I just don't have the willpower.

Which is strange because it's the one thing I want more in the world, and it's something I can ony give myself. I just keep denying what I want and what I need to get there.

Maybe some day I'll snap out of it and do something right for myself.

Or keep killing myself slowly with food.

#24

2005-06-22T04:36:53Z

I talked to JR and E on the phone a few minutes ago and they managed to make me feel ridiculous in only 2 minutes.

I told them I was thinking about going back into town for the fireworks on Thrusday and they laughed. Like I'm so strange for coming into town for fireworks.

Fuck them.

Maybe I want to see my family. Maybe I want to see people that care about me because I have NO SUPPORT GROUP because of people LIKE THEM.

J came into my room a bit ago because she was having an anxiety attack because her boyfriend didn't answer his phone. Or maybe she was having one and that's why she was calling him. Either way, it was kind of lame.

I almost broke down while we were talking because we got into this minor conversation about how I have no one. And how it fucking blows.

I said some things Ive been wanting to say but as usual it wasn't enough.

My eyes are stinging I'm so tired but I want to talk to someone - anyone - about how shitty this all feels.

I need to decide tomorrow what I'm going to do about school. I feel so fucking ashamed about the whole thing. I wish I could just hold it together.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I called my mom the other day and she was in the middle of something so she said she'd call back... and then she didn't.

De ja vu.

Why can't people just call me back when they say they will? Even my mother isn't keeping her word.

I'm getting all choked up again.

I'm so stupid.

Couldn't there just be ONE thing that I'm happy about? Something for me to look forward to? Something to make me smile?

Why does my life have to be so empty?

#24

2005-06-22T01:29:03Z

Things have been fairly quiet.

I'm working alot and starting to not hate it with every fiber of my being. Some of the people are even mildly fun. I don't see myself making any life long friends but I don't loathe anyone so I can't really complain.

There was something really important I kept telling myself to write in here.

But now it all seems very petty.

#23

2005-06-20T03:04:54Z

Sometimes I really wish J would give me my space. Why does she need to know everything I'm doing at all times? Why do we have to do everything together. If we have the same hours off it doesn't mean we're required to hang out and do the same things. When I say I have stuff to do it means I have stuff to do - not that you need all the details.

And why are you trying to have a conversation with me while you're boyfriend is lying in your bed? Leave me alone.

Greg makes everything better.

#22

2005-06-15T02:32:05Z

A pretty low key day.

T called and I missed it. I tried calling her back, but she wasn't home. I wish she had been. She's one of the few people I know I can vent and complain to and she'll understand without brushing it off like my feelings are fleeting and don't matter.

I really miss the beach.

It's true what they say about letting go. It's something you have to do everyday. I've written about CT in just about every journal I've ever kept because his presence has been such a dominant - and conflicting - one in my life. Now that I've decided to cut him out perminantly I'm getting used to letting go of everything he stands for. And it's something I'm having to work on everyday.

It's getting easier. Sometimes I don't think about him at all.

But I do miss having a best friend.

#21

2005-06-14T16:44:04Z

I want to yell at everyone "I'm still here! Don't forget about me!"

But no one seems to be listening.

I wish I could spend just one day without jealousy and anger and loneliness.

wish everything didn't make me want to cry.

#20

2005-06-14T03:39:30Z

There are things I need to work on:
+ Biting my nails
+ Brushing my teeth
+ Washing my face
+ Lose 100 pounds
+ Find a Job
+ Pick a major
+ Pick a school
+ Quit smoking
+ Get a life

Not neccesarily in that order.

Tomorrow I need to:
+ Go through my mail
+ Go to the gym
+ Clean my room
+ Get my car inspected
+ Find out how much money J owes me

Things I want to do in my lifetime:
+ Christmas in Paris
+ Kiss under snow
+ Sleep on the beach
+ Hike a mountain
+ Sit outside a cafe in Italy
+ Really love someone (& be loved back)
+ Have a good friend I didn't envy
+ Be told I was beautiful
+ Own my own home

#19

2005-06-14T03:18:28Z

Also, it annoys the fuck out of me that J's biggest problem is that sometimes her boyfriend doesn't call her. She lost his number (because her phone died) so now she, like, might not get to talk to him tonight.

Oh woe.

I'm so fucking bitter.

#18

2005-06-14T03:15:17Z

I've been thinking that I must be an awful person to live with. I envy everyone I come in contact with and to live with the person who I envy more than anyone is just awful. It makes me bitter, and cynical, and antisocial.

I hate it because she's a wonderful person and deserves basically everything she's got. But it's so hard to feel happy for someone when they have everything and you've got just the bare minimum and it's barely getting you by.

I hate my job and I want to quit. The company makes their emplyees feel like five year olds and scares them into compliance. I've never seen grown ups so scared of one another. I think it's all bullshit. Maybe I'll say something.

But probably not.

I just want to go out and have fun. I want to spend time with someone and talk to them and get stuff off my chest. It's not fair that I've got no where to turn to.

Yesterday friends came into town and I was working. J wasn't so they hung out with her all day. I saw them for an hour before they had to go home. Today I worked while J went out to dinner with her coworkers.

My coworkers don't go out to dinner. They go home to their children and parents.

If I was beautiful I could get a job with other beautiful people and we could be beautiful together and go places.

Instead I'm stuck in this shit body with these shit coworkers doing shit and going nowhere.

I hate my life.

#17

2005-06-13T03:25:22Z

it's been just over a month since i last wrote and so much has changed.

then again so much hasn't changed.

i'm living with J now, an experience that i'm not quite sure I was prepared for. I thought maybe she'd be different, but it turns out all girls are the same. Falsely pleasant and endlessly allowing themselves to be hurt and doing nothing about it.

It's terrible to watch someone be upset and know that they won't do anything about it. Its so strange to hear her talk to her boyfriend on the phone and then hear or see her behavior once she's turned off the phone.

She says she's crazy about him, but all she ever seems to be is angry at him. Angry or hurt or frustrated.

Why are we so desperate to stay with someone and please them and fake happiness? Are we so desperate for any kind of affection?

Maybe I don't know because I've bever really experienced any kind of affection. Any time I've ever been given an indication of high feelings it's been so easily lost or easily discarded.

If the only impression I get of relationships is from this outside, from the side that has the tears and screams and loneliness, how am I supposed to want that?

Why do I want that?

Isn't it so much easier to have no one? If there's nobody here I can't get hurt. If I don't stick myself out there it's impossible for me to get hurt.

IIt's also impossible for me to have a chance at something other than being hurt. Maybe being loved.)

Sometimes I wonder how it is that I've allowed myself to go this long without anyone. I have no one solid to turn sto. I am no one's number one. When I walk into a room no one is looking for me/ No one knows or cares whether I'm there or not.

I want someone to care. I want someone to care and to let me care. I want someone who allows me to be angry when I want to be or stubborn or frustrated or sad. I don't want to hide from anyone or act as though I'm okay with something when I'm not. I don't want to have to indicate how I'm feeling through tone or silence, I want to indicate through words and action and I want that to be okay.

Maybe that's why I'm single. Maybe that's why I'll always be alone. Because I refuse to accept that I should act one way and feel another. Because I refuse to think that I should have to lead a double emotional life.

Maybe I shoudl just give it up and chose that life where I pretend to never be upset and take everything in stride. Maybe then I could get some attention. Maybe then I wouldn't be completely alone.

God I'm depressing.

It could be worse.

But it could be a whole fucking lot better.

#16

2005-05-12T03:39:41Z

I just want to scream at everybody.

I'm moving in TWO DAYS and NO ONE CARES.

I'm torn in between "pleeeease just notice me" and "fuck you all."

i'm so depressed.

I'm tired of having no one.

#15

2005-04-16T04:14:48Z

I always feel so weird when I'm the passenger in a car. I hate using the word 'weird' because it sounds like I can't come up with a more "adult' word and should find a thesaurus but 'weird' is the best that I can do.

I always feel myself trying to control the urge to grab the door handle and throw myself onto the grey pavement. Duck and roll. I get the feeling I wouldn't feel, like it would just be a hard noise and then it'd be over and I'll sort of... drift. Which is weird because it's usually on a highway and it' wouldn't be gentle and it wouldn't be painless and it wouldn't be quick. In fact it would be messy and excruciating and pointless because I wouldn't drift I'd just...end.

Sometimes the urge is so strong that I force myself to lock the door and look away. The door handle goes in and out of focus in my eyes and it's all I can think about. I can't hear anyone talking and the radio is a murmur in the background and all I can think is "A way out... a way is so close."

This only happens to me in cars, when I'm in the back seat alone or riding beside someone I don't want to talk to. Like the only things to do is jump out of the car to make myself feel happy.

I wonder why that is.

#14

2005-04-06T02:13:51Z

written for another journal but never posted.

I haven't been getting much done, academically or otherwise, because I've sort of been up to my eyebrows in a horrible mood. I'm pretty positive it has everything to do with my lack of a solid/easily accessed support system and I guess I'm having trouble adjusting to being, well, very much on my own. It doesn't help that I feel utterly abandoned by almost everyone I know. Why do you think it is people drop out of your life when things get just the slightest bit messy?

I realized a lot of things in the past couple days. I figured out, to my horror, why I might have chosen the school I did and maybe why I've become as secluded and isolated as I have. I haven't figured out why I'm settleing for zero when I know, on some level, that I must deserve more than that. I just can't seem to get my hands on it.

Sorry for the emotional upcheck, but I've got no where else to go.