| #36 |
[21 Aug 2005|09:29pm] |
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Rilo Kiley - Paint's Peeling |
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I want desperately to start a blog and continue it successfully and be dedicated and loyal.
So, what's my problem?
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| #35 |
[21 Jul 2005|10:33pm] |
J's boyfriend being here always makes me cranky. Do they really need to FONDLE each other right in front of me?
Ugh.
In other news I got a new job. A 9-5 desk job. I couldn't be happier. Quitting my sucky retail job was amazing.
I signed up for classes, five of them. I'll be going to school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I should be able to work too, which is good because it's essential to my life that I can pay rent.
Torrid if my new favorite store ever.
Choppy writing is the bane of my existents.
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| Cat Information |
[11 Jul 2005|11:26pm] |
Animal Refuge League
449 Stroudwater Street
Westbrook, ME 04092
Phone; (207) 854-9771
Spay/neuter program for pets of qualified low income people.
NEW HAMPSHIRE
Animal Allies
Manchester, NH
Phone: (603) 668-9299
Helps people who have a large number of cats or people who need
help and do not qualify for other programs.
New Hampshire Dept of Agriculture
APC Program
State House Annex
33 Capitol Street
Concord, NH 03301
Phone: (603) 271-3697
Discounts for qualified low income families. Call or write for information
about APC.
New Hampshire Spaying & Altering Service
8 Hutchins Street
Concord, NH 03301
Phone: (603) 224-1361 before 2 pm
Spay Program for Mother Cats
8 Fox Hill Road
Belmont, NH 03220
Phone: (603) 524-6432
You and your cat must meet various criteria to qualify for this program.
Call for information
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| #34 |
[06 Jul 2005|11:33pm] |
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I had this whole long rant planned, but, basically, my beef is that I hate when J and her boyfriend take really long showers together when I have to pee.
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| #33 |
[04 Jul 2005|11:37pm] |
As much as I love how pretty this place is it might be time for me to give it a little face lift. If I have the energy.
I've been masturbating alot. I was almost late for work today because of it. I had to clean myself up in the bathroom there. Egh.
There's this guy, JC, who I work with who I'm 90% sure likes me more than a friendly coworker should.
I don't know how I feel about it. While it is nice to get some minor flirtation from a guy, it's unfortunate I'm not attracted or interested or amused by it at all.
Okay, so maybe I do know how I feel about it.
Fireworks all over the place tonight. The sky is red white and blue and raining down.
J's boyfriend is here which means I have to be careful about leaving my door open while sleeping and be concious of how i'm sitting and do my best not to hear them having sex.
Sigh.
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| #32 |
[03 Jul 2005|10:23pm] |
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Natasha Beddingfield - These Words |
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Today we got a cat. His name was Baby (we changed it to Warrick) and he belonged to a girl from work who was moving and couldn't take him with her. He seems to be very friendly and has cuddled up next to me to watch me type and get ready for bed. He's curious but hasn't gotten into any trouble. We saw him use the litter box we brought up for him too. I can already feel an attachment growing. He's all black with sprakly yellow eyes.
I guess if I can't have a boy love me I can just have a million cats.
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| #31 |
[29 Jun 2005|10:25pm] |
( These Words - Natasha Bedingfield )
This kind of happy love - that's what I want. The kind of happy love that you know just tickles your inside so you never want to stop smiling.
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| #30 |
[29 Jun 2005|10:20pm] |
I'm so tired and I did nothing all day.
I watched America's Next Top Model for 10 hours. 10 hours. And I didn't even watch part of it at the gym like I should have.
I need to clean my room and I need to research stuff for school and I need to write a check for rent.
And I need to chin up.
CF left a comment in my other, open, journal )that I rarely write in) that she misses me. I could reply with something like 'whatever', 'prove it', or a simple 'i don't believe you. please leave me alone.'
I think I'll say nothing instead.
She's moving in with T - or maybe she already has - and I refuse to attend any 'welcome to our new apartment' parties they might have. If CF can't get her ass down here to visit when I've moved 2 months ago, why should I make the effort to visit her? I'm not willing to participate in a one sided friendship.
I'm sad that I'll probably lose T to CF now that they're living together and will form that ally that only roommates have. The kind that means you're out for blood when one of you gets hurt.
Going to see Sonia tomorrow. Hoping she won't tell me I'm doomed. Relieved to finally be getting this on a roll.
I don't want to go to school next semester. I know it and I feel it with every fiber of my being, but it's what I have to do because not going to school.... doesn't appear to be an option. I want to take a semester off and save money. I want to travel. I want to go across the sea and meet exotic open people and find out who I really am. I want to not be stuck in a stuffy apartment trying to figure out which school is best for me and what I want to be when I grow up.
Couldn't I decide that while drinking in a pub in ireland, or sipping a cappuccino in Italy? Why here? Why now?
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| #29 |
[27 Jun 2005|10:55pm] |
You could smell the ocean today at work. It made me homesick and sad.
I dropped a jar of onion blossom horseradish dip on the tip of my left index finger. I may have popped a blood vessel as it still feels sore and painful and there's a strange red mark from the top of my finger to the base of the first joint.
I assume it's blood.
I wish I had someone to call.
Even more, I wish my finger didn't hurt so I could masturbate.
But you didn't need to know that.
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| #28 |
[27 Jun 2005|10:44am] |
Just returned from the psychic. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to really express about the whole situation, but for the sake of not fucking it up, I'm going to be brief:
She's told me she sees high walls around me and a lot of anger. She's told me that these walls are keeping other away and keeping CT in and they are what is holding me back.
She says she's going to help me, starting with research about surrounding mine and CTS birthdays and the time that we met versus the time he dropped a bomb on me and sent me into a downward spiral.
I hope this works. I'm putting all my faith into her because I need this and it feels like she can help. You get this feeling, just being in her home, that she's got the ability to find an answer to all of this heartache.
She also said that she can feel that there should be someone new entering my life. I want to believe, but I've been so broken that it's hard to think I could have someone waiting for me to let down the walls and let them in.
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| #27 |
[24 Jun 2005|10:41pm] |
I freaked out.
J and I went to a psychic this evening as her birthday present.
While her reading brought news of eventual marriage and offpsring mine was focused much more on the negativity in my life.
Good news is I will live a long time.
She told me I needed to be healed of this negetivity and the tears and the sorrow in my life that have let me allow myself to stay so unhappy for so long.
IN other words, I really need to let go of CT.
Which I knew, but now that it's right there in front of me in cards and being told to me from a total stranger... somehow that's more convincing.
She told me that I needed - or should - return to begin some spiritual healing or cleansing. For the small fee of ninety dollars.
Okay. So it's a lot of money, money I would have spent on cigarettes and food - but fuck that. I'd rather be happy from being spiritually sound than from being on a nicotine and cheeseburger high.
So, I'm going to do it. I put down 20 dollars and I'm giving 70 more on Tuesday when I go in for my appointment with Sonya.
She told me that I worry and stress and experience most of my saddness in the evening. That I go to bed with a heavy heart and wake up with one.
She told me I need to let CT go, that I spend all my time trapped by the negetivity and it's keeping me from this soul mate she apparently sees in her cards.
I sound like I don't believe her but I do. I do.
She said a group of friends would invite me to go on a trip sometime in July and that I should go - it would be good for me to get away.
She also said that I will meet someone - someone who is older than me - and we will have a relationship.
She says that I am meant to be loved and I am meant to be happy but the negativity isn't allowing me to let that love and happiness come near me.
Basically everything was spot on.
She said my family had experienced a loss about 9 years ago (mom was sick) and that I was distanced from a family memeber (cody) and a female friend I had lost touch with (CF).
It was bizarre. And now I have two days to sit and stew over it before I go back and start trying to fix whatever it is inside me that is so broken and sad that it forces me to keep myself unhappy.
She said money comes easily to me but I spend it and I should hold on to it.
Of course, I'm spending it on her and I don't see her complaining.
I'll give it a shot. I'll try and let it help me. I want it to. I want to be better. I want to be happy and have someone to love and move forward.
She mentioned I was unhappy in my work. Well that's for damn sure.
I need some tequila.
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| #26 |
[23 Jun 2005|12:55am] |
I wonder if it's strange that two things that always make me cry are fireworks and parades.
I went home for La Kermesse tonight, a celebration of French heritage that includes fireworks, a parade, and severely overpriced carnival type fairgrounds.
I wrote about how I was going to be going home for the fireworks a few entrys ago, when I mentioned that JR and E had made me feel like an idiot for traveling 45 minutes for an event I've been attending since childhood.
E wasn't there because she was somewhere drinking what I'm sure was far too much tequila, but JR was there and so was everyone else who you would expect to find this kind of occasion totally lame but went because we always have.
Everyone was there.
I guess that means I'm not the only idiot.
My mother bought me margarita mix (tequila included) and a four dollar bottle of wine. Bless her heart after tonight I really needed to come home and christen the new blender with some ChiChi's margarita blend.
I really don't like sleeping in this apartment alone. J is home for the night visiting her boyfriend (and attending the fireworks) and celebrating her 19th birthday with her family.
My 19th birthday, like most before that, sucked on a very large level. But, I won't go into that now.
I've masturbated twice in the last day. I wish I had the guts to buy a vibrator. It would make things so much easier. Now that I have my own checking account I could. So expensive. Unfortunately it appears I'll need to pay for pleasure rather than recieve it for my charms.
I swear I'm the last virigin on the face of the earth.
Oh, I was 241 pounds this morning. Improvement. And I didn't even eat like shit today, which is good. Now I just need to continue going to the gym and attempting to eat like a normal person rather than a cambodian child whos just been adopted and lead to MacDonalds.
91 pounds to go.
The tequila, cheap as it is, is beginning to get to me. Good thing because I haven't slept decently in days (nights?). It's like I'm on the edge, waiting for something to happen. As if I expect something miraculous to be occuring at 2 in the morning.
I'm so glad I write in this thing again. It really does help. Like dumping the shit of my mind onto a page so I can read back and think about it later instead of trying to keep it all in my head.
I'm still trying to get over the loss of CT and CF. I know I'm probably better off, but it's still hard. T and G said I should call - or write a letter. But that just seems to predictable. I don't know why I feel the need to make this over dramatic exit from their lives. Why can't I just leave gracefully?
(I need to have the last word for just one in my life.)
Saw a lot of people form my highschool days (basically last year) tonight. This girl I thought I had a serious crush on hugged me and made some comment I can't really recall and the followed it up with "It's because I'm in love with you." and it broke my heart and made me want to kiss her just like last year when we were sipping cosmos and smoke parliements in a cigar bar in Quebec.
She's really the only live girl I've ever felt attracted to. She's beautiful and spunky with these huge gorgeous eyes and the cutest laugh.
I've always wondered, do I like girls like I like boys or do I just enjoy (envy.) their beauty? Maybe both. I'll probably never know.
The tequila is making my feet and face warm. Almost 1 AM and I feel wide awake, my head spinning with the days events.
I never wrote about E having sex on my living room carpet with a boy who'd been bailed out of jail only two days before. I've been trying to process how I feel about the whole thing. About how every room in this house has experienced sex but mine. About how I was jealous and completely enraged at the same time. How it was funny and horrifying.
Maybe I'm drunk - but tonight I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to cry and how much I can't.
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| #25 |
[21 Jun 2005|03:21pm] |
245 lbs.
I guess that's better than the 250 it was last time.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to weigh 150 pounds.
Only 95 pounds to go.
I need to lose an Olsen twin.
I wish I had the balls to be anorexic. Or bulimic. Or one of those girls who works out like 4 times a day.
I just don't have the willpower.
Which is strange because it's the one thing I want more in the world, and it's something I can ony give myself. I just keep denying what I want and what I need to get there.
Maybe some day I'll snap out of it and do something right for myself.
Or keep killing myself slowly with food.
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| #24 |
[21 Jun 2005|12:35am] |
I talked to JR and E on the phone a few minutes ago and they managed to make me feel ridiculous in only 2 minutes.
I told them I was thinking about going back into town for the fireworks on Thrusday and they laughed. Like I'm so strange for coming into town for fireworks.
Fuck them.
Maybe I want to see my family. Maybe I want to see people that care about me because I have NO SUPPORT GROUP because of people LIKE THEM.
J came into my room a bit ago because she was having an anxiety attack because her boyfriend didn't answer his phone. Or maybe she was having one and that's why she was calling him. Either way, it was kind of lame.
I almost broke down while we were talking because we got into this minor conversation about how I have no one. And how it fucking blows.
I said some things Ive been wanting to say but as usual it wasn't enough.
My eyes are stinging I'm so tired but I want to talk to someone - anyone - about how shitty this all feels.
I need to decide tomorrow what I'm going to do about school. I feel so fucking ashamed about the whole thing. I wish I could just hold it together.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I called my mom the other day and she was in the middle of something so she said she'd call back... and then she didn't.
De ja vu.
Why can't people just call me back when they say they will? Even my mother isn't keeping her word.
I'm getting all choked up again.
I'm so stupid.
Couldn't there just be ONE thing that I'm happy about? Something for me to look forward to? Something to make me smile?
Why does my life have to be so empty?
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| #24 |
[20 Jun 2005|09:27pm] |
Things have been fairly quiet.
I'm working alot and starting to not hate it with every fiber of my being. Some of the people are even mildly fun. I don't see myself making any life long friends but I don't loathe anyone so I can't really complain.
There was something really important I kept telling myself to write in here.
But now it all seems very petty.
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| #23 |
[18 Jun 2005|11:02pm] |
Sometimes I really wish J would give me my space. Why does she need to know everything I'm doing at all times? Why do we have to do everything together. If we have the same hours off it doesn't mean we're required to hang out and do the same things. When I say I have stuff to do it means I have stuff to do - not that you need all the details.
And why are you trying to have a conversation with me while you're boyfriend is lying in your bed? Leave me alone.
Greg makes everything better.
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| #22 |
[13 Jun 2005|10:30pm] |
A pretty low key day.
T called and I missed it. I tried calling her back, but she wasn't home. I wish she had been. She's one of the few people I know I can vent and complain to and she'll understand without brushing it off like my feelings are fleeting and don't matter.
I really miss the beach.
It's true what they say about letting go. It's something you have to do everyday. I've written about CT in just about every journal I've ever kept because his presence has been such a dominant - and conflicting - one in my life. Now that I've decided to cut him out perminantly I'm getting used to letting go of everything he stands for. And it's something I'm having to work on everyday.
It's getting easier. Sometimes I don't think about him at all.
But I do miss having a best friend.
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| #21 |
[13 Jun 2005|12:42pm] |
I want to yell at everyone "I'm still here! Don't forget about me!"
But no one seems to be listening.
I wish I could spend just one day without jealousy and anger and loneliness.
wish everything didn't make me want to cry.
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| #20 |
[12 Jun 2005|11:37pm] |
There are things I need to work on:
+ Biting my nails
+ Brushing my teeth
+ Washing my face
+ Lose 100 pounds
+ Find a Job
+ Pick a major
+ Pick a school
+ Quit smoking
+ Get a life
Not neccesarily in that order.
Tomorrow I need to:
+ Go through my mail
+ Go to the gym
+ Clean my room
+ Get my car inspected
+ Find out how much money J owes me
Things I want to do in my lifetime:
+ Christmas in Paris
+ Kiss under snow
+ Sleep on the beach
+ Hike a mountain
+ Sit outside a cafe in Italy
+ Really love someone (& be loved back)
+ Have a good friend I didn't envy
+ Be told I was beautiful
+ Own my own home
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| #19 |
[12 Jun 2005|11:16pm] |
Also, it annoys the fuck out of me that J's biggest problem is that sometimes her boyfriend doesn't call her. She lost his number (because her phone died) so now she, like, might not get to talk to him tonight.
Oh woe.
I'm so fucking bitter.
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